"I need you to be more organized. You become forgetful when things get busy," my boss said.
She sat across from me, reading her notes for my annual review, which was going well up until this moment. I grimaced and took the feedback. But I left the room enormously frustrated.
When I sat down at my desk and looked around, I realized what was in front of me all along: I was a hot mess. Papers and folders were strewn everywhere. It looked like the FBI had just raided my office.
When I went home, I saw the same. Everything was everywhere. I constantly lost my wallet and keys and other important things. I realized that if I wanted to be an organized employee, I needed to have the same standard at home too. Living a double life wouldn't work. And it made such a huge difference. I stopped losing things. My work performance improved.
I realized over time that so many solutions equate to patchwork — a cheap, easy fix that isn't weatherproofed against the ebb and flow of human behavior. I call it the Band-Aid Mindset. It happens when people think, "I'll just do this one thing and then it will all get better on its own."
One way to counteract this is to stop thinking through the prism of problem-solution. Instead, embed the change in who you are.
Research has continually proven that linking your identity to your habits not only produces lasting change, but also boosts self-esteem. One study asked 500 people two subsequent questions.
"How much of a habit is this activity for you? A habit is something you do frequently and automatically."
"How much does the activity reflect who you really are as a person? That is, to what extent does the activity represent what you would consider as your 'true self.'"
The participants who linked the habit to their true self, were much more consistent in doing it. I haphazardly stumbled into this insight, trying to think of myself as a clean and organized person, rather than just thinking I needed to clean my office for my performance review.
Even though my self-belief bordered on delusion, the mere act of believing it helped spur change. It also makes life easier and more consistent.
I swam in college and the first week of training offered a stark contrast. Most women walked onto the pool deck, thin and relatively in shape. Some of the men did as well. But a few walked on deck looking far less hydrodynamic.
My co-swimmer John came in looking half-pregnant. I busted his chops, "You've been a busy boy, haven't you?" He smiled and rubbed his belly and in a thick Scottish accent, said "Don't be jealous cause I'm dead sexy."
He wasn't joking thirty minutes later as he unleashed his breakfast into a big trash bin. Despite being on a full D1 scholarship, he'd arrived egregiously out of shape and hated his life for two months. He woefully underperformed that season. The swimmers who thought of themselves as athletes and held themselves accountable did far better. They didn't get winded walking across the pool deck on day 1.
There is a place for resting and taking time off — but only to a point. I know people who are incredibly hard workers at their job, who collapse at their house and become a lump on the log until resuming work. It has taken a tremendous toll on their health and personal lives — including one who recently divorced because of it.
Living in accordance with your believed true self saves you from having to shapeshift all the time. It also makes you more reliable.
Last year, I was in a Discord chat and saw people discussing how they only use the bathroom while "on the clock." Per their belief, using the bathroom during your lunch break is a waste of free paid time off. Which is why I am so glad I don't manage people anymore. It's a hundred irritating things like this for you to monitor.
Just to humor them — if a work year has 261 working days and you take one extra 10-minute bathroom break each day — that's 1.81 full days spent not working and being paid for it. OK but big deal, right? That's almost an extra weekend. It matters because that type of behavior undercuts your identity as a worker. It's borderline vindictive and doesn't age well. Managers will eventually notice and it will signal, "Keep an eye on this person. They'll take advantage of you."
The point is, if you want to be a hard worker, don't just work hard — be a hard worker. Then your effort won't feel like this errand. It will be right there, ready to deploy.
One trick is to stop thinking about how hard something is. University of Colorado scientists proved that we feel pain much more when we anticipate it. Even worse, after we feel more pain, we expect more pain on the next iteration, causing a deterrence loop to form. My swim workouts were never harder than when I was thinking about how far I had to go still on a set. This is also why many people put a towel over the timer on their cardio machines.
When I took my golden retriever to the dog park, I'd marvel at his purity of purpose. I'd hold a tennis ball in my hand and say, "You ready?" He'd freeze, eyeing the tennis ball so hard it might explode. When I threw it, he bolted off after it every time like it was his last chance at happiness.
Every cell in him knew, "I am a retriever. I retrieve things. And I do so happily for my master." He would chase tennis balls until he dropped or overheated if I let him (he once fell asleep with a tennis ball in his mouth).
Reframe your language away from saying, "I want to lose weight." Instead, say, "I'm a fitness oriented person."
Stop thinking, "I'm going to work hard on this." Switch to, "I'm a hard worker." Let the hard work be a foregone conclusion.
It works with avoidance behaviors too. One thing that helped me quit caffeine was when I stopped thinking, "I need energy." Instead, I thought, "I'm not a crutch oriented person." When I finally got off the caffeine, I realized my life was so much better without having to guzzle coffee all day. I had way more energy than before. And even my wakeups were better.
Remember: link the habit to your identity. It's the behavioral equivalent of dressing for the job you want, not the job you have.