Unhinged is Slate's advice column on the wild world of modern dating. Have a dating question of your own? Send it to Steffi here. It's anonymous!
Growing up, multiple family members, including my mom, drilled into me several ideas about dating that I now understand were hard-learned lessons they learned from growing up as women in a strict, religious setting. Those lessons included: Always have a secret stash of money in case you need to leave, never skip college for a man, and never ever move with a boyfriend without being married first. I've never really thought these were anything but common sense. However, now I'm at a crossroads.
I am a lesbian who has been with my partner for three years. We are building a life together, and while I have made it clear that I would like to be married someday, I have no real timetable and don't feel a rush to get engaged. That is, until she recently received Canadian citizenship due to the new rules surrounding descendants. She wants to move within the next two to three years for lots of reasons I agree with, but I feel anxious about wanting to follow her. There is no need for us to be married, as we qualify for a domestic partnership even now, and she can sponsor me as such. We would be legally tied together, and she feels as though that is enough for now, as she doesn't think she is ready for marriage in that time span.
I would feel so much more secure if we were married. I am the lower earner with less job potential; I would have no familial support in this new country. She comes from a much wealthier background, with parents who can send her funds in an emergency while mine can't. I just feel like while I love and trust her, I don't know if I can make this huge change without a promise of commitment from her. But at the same time, I would also love to move with her to a country I feel would be a better fit for both of us, and I don't know if I'm getting hung up on a piece of paper. I don't need to make a formal decision right now, but I need some guidance. Do all these old dating and marriage rules still apply? Or am I holding on to something unnecessary?
It seems here like you are worried about a few things at once: moving, the financial discrepancy between you and your partner, and the lack of safety and security that comes from moving and having a financial discrepancy, even with a sort-of-legal tie (let's be real, a domestic partnership is not the same as marriage). All of these things have seemed to compound into one gigantic ball of anxiety. It does not help that you and your partner are on different pages on what counts as secure.
Deciding if you should move to a new country is already a difficult decision, even before you throw in the factor of moving for someone else. We're talking about uprooting your entire life—your job, friends, family, healthcare, bank accounts, furniture—for love. That's a big life risk, but it's exciting that you're contemplating it at all. That means the love is big enough to even consider it.
It makes perfect sense that you want to make sure you have as much security as possible if you're going to pull the trigger on this. There is no shortage of horror stories about women who have moved to strange places for their boyfriends, only to get broken up with as soon as they pull in with their boxes, and have to find their own way back. I understand where the fear comes from. Still, it is true that the majority of these stories involve men.
So I reached out to the lesbians I know who have been in your position—specifically, moving to uncharted new territories for their partners. First, I called up my friend Barbara, 31, who asked to remain anonymous due to privacy reasons. One year ago, she moved out of her rent-stabilized apartment in New York City to a state she had never visited and where she knew no one, because her long-term girlfriend lived there and wasn't able to move at that point. Barbara is practical but a true romantic at heart, so I asked her if there was something that made her realize that the move was a risk worth taking.
"I came out to my parents for her, so I knew this was serious," she told me. "Also, I was 30, so I was too tired to be going on first dates and asking what someone ate for dinner. My other friends are also just living their own coupled lives now, too."
From how Barbara told it, she was ready for a different kind of life. She wanted to be in bed at 9 p.m. every night, go biking on the weekends, and not be bogged down with an exhausting social schedule. She wanted to focus on her relationship and live in the cocoon of domestic bliss with her girlfriend. But she told me that the general pieces of advice about taking care of yourself first are always good things to listen to, no matter your sexual orientation. She's financially, emotionally, and legally self-sufficient, so there was no need to get on anyone's health insurance or worry about getting financial help. Her money, support system, and sense of self-worth aren't reliant on this relationship. That's a huge source of relief when it comes to taking a big life risk.
"I think saving money, getting your education, and moving at a safe pace—like Queer New World's mom's advice—is solid advice for anyone," she said.
These heterosexual adages about protecting yourself as a woman obviously come from a very long history of women being financially abused and controlled by the men in their lives. My own mother has always been a key proponent of never letting a man pay for anything that you need to be yours; if things go wrong, you need to be able to find your way out, and fast. If someone flies you out and turns out to be a psychopath, it's a huge source of relief to know that you booked your own return flight.
But anyone can be taken advantage of financially, so there are still important conversations you probably should have before you decide to haul your stuff over to a different country. I also spoke with my friend Ola, 27, who moved to a place where she had no support system to be with her now-wife. She told me she had plenty of discussions with her partner before she moved out of the D.C.-Maryland-Virginia area to the sleepy Midwest suburbs where they now live to assuage her uncertainty.
"Having conversations about the trajectory of your relationship is key," she said. "We talked about our feelings on marriage, on having kids, and finances before moving to make sure neither of us was sacrificing their dreams or comfort for the other person."
Ola doesn't think it's necessary to get married before the move, but alignment between you and your partner and having a sense of self-sufficiency are. Her relationship started in 2020, and after a family tragedy forced Ola to move back closer to her hometown, they decided to do long distance after three months, because, as she put it, "we're lesbians and that's just what we do." Her mother's passing meant Ola lost a key part of her support system, so she determined it was the best decision to follow her partner to the brave new suburbs.
"It felt so worth it because I had never felt a connection like I had with Liv before," she told me. "She made me feel like my life was more complete, and we both carried each other through difficult and stressful times in our personal, academic, and professional lives. Reflecting now that we've been married for a year and a half, I would do it all over again, but I can look back and see that my hesitations were valid. But sometimes love can really be that strong."
Beyond having those deeper conversations, Ola also locked in a fully remote role at her job before moving, so she didn't have to worry about job hunting, and they lived together for two years before getting married. "I think it's much more crucial to live with someone before marriage than to have the ring before you move," she said.
The main issue here, as I see it, is money. Independence is the thing that allows you to pick a relationship that's truly right for you, and a part of independence means a fat savings account (despite the irresponsible "date someone rich," hypergamy rhetoric some influencers are peddling to young women online). Let's say you got a promotion that means an extra $10,000 guaranteed per month, Queer New World. Tax bracket–changing money. How would you feel about the move and getting married in that case? Would you still want to get married? Would you still be anxious about moving to a brand-new place? Your impulse tells you the answer.
Financial independence, having your own secure network, and having the self-assurance that you can take care of yourself is a far better safety net than marriage. The ceremony should just be for fun, not because you need it to make the relationship work. When I brought your quandary to my friend CT Jones, culture writer at Rolling Stone, they agreed. They're planning on marrying the love of their life later this year, and they said deciding to get married was the easy part because—wait for it—they both wanted to get married. But marriage is not what holds their relationship together.
"A marriage certificate will not hold your hand when you miss your friends or carry boxes up to a new apartment or pay the utility bill after a grocery run or comfort you if, God forbid, your partner tries to dip," they said. "There is no law of the universe that physically yanks married people up by their belt loops if they try to cheat. In fact, in your situation, the only thing that marriage would do is make a legitimate breakup between you and your partner that much harder to untangle. And if a piece of paper is what you need to trust your partner, it might be a better next step to unpack how you've built a relationship where her word isn't enough. You might actually be reacting to signals from her that she's not just uninterested in marriage, she might be uninterested in the whole idea of you moving with her."
So, Queer New World, here are our marching orders for you: Work on building up your own safety net over the next two to three years and really think about what you want the move to look like before you make any decisions that could have irrevocable consequences. That means figuring out a better financial situation for yourself, a plan to stay in contact with your support system, and a clear vision of what you want your life and relationship to look like. It also means asking yourself if you really want to move at all. Putting pressure on your partner is only more likely to cause cracks.
"Pushing their partner to marriage will probably push them away," Barbara said. "They seem to be more anxious about their finances versus getting married."
CT also thinks that campaigning for marriage is a bad idea. "It feels like you've trapped yourself in a classic lesbian mix-up, where you're happy and proud of your sexual orientation but also keeping yourself trapped in antiquated and established heterosexual ideas of power and ethics," they said. "I would not do this, even for a check."